Lockdown life

So, the UK has now been in Lockdown as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic for almost four weeks. What’s more, we have at least a further three to endure.

I wasn’t surprised when the government announced the extension to the original three weeks a few days ago but I was demoralised and disheartened nonetheless.

I am finding the social isolation rather difficult if I’m honest. Some days are better than others but as time goes by and the days merge more and more into one, my mood is slowly deteriorating and I'm having to fight harder to remain positive and motivated.

I think a lot of the problem comes because I am totally alone and totally in charge of my own sense of purpose each day. Yes, we are ‘all in this together’ to some extent but not to the same degree. Those people who are still working are doing a great job and I am thankful to them of course but although life is inevitably different for us all, at least going to work still provides some structure and purpose to the workers’ lives and, if they work with others, some degree of social interaction too. Being stuck at home all day every day, and alone, is difficult. 

In a similar vein, I am not fortunate enough to have a garden. We have been having some beautiful weather these past few weeks and so many people I talk to tell me how they have spent the majority of time outdoors gardening or sitting in their gardens to relax. I am lucky in that I have a lovely park nearby where I have been walking the dog every morning but other than that, outdoor time is a luxury I don’t have. 

There is a huge focus in the media on those key workers who are doing a magnificent job but those of us who can’t work, even in ‘normal’ circumstances, are left feeling guilty, useless and lazy by this rhetoric. Yes, all we have to do is stay home but for some, doing so is as praiseworthy as going to work in these times.

Being at home and left with your own thoughts and emotions 24/7 is difficult if you suffer with a mental illness. Personally, I have found that the rollercoaster of EUPD /BPD is even more extreme than usual. That’s hard enough if you are getting normal levels of support from mental health services, your GP, even family and friends. However, this virus has significantly changed how support can be given. I am lucky that my mental health team are still contacting me by phone each week but the degree of support is different, reduced - even by their own admission. When this is combined with the exacerbating factors that come with a global pandemic - high anxiety, fear, lack of purpose, poor sleep etc then those with existing mental health concerns have it doubly hard.

As mentioned above, part of me feels guilty that I am not doing something to help with the ‘war effort’. Some people might say that if I’m struggling with a sense of purpose and not seeing anyone I should stop moaning and do something about it; become a volunteer. I’d love to do that but right now, my anxiety levels are so high that I struggle to leave the house to do my essential food shops. My mental health is not good enough to be able to give back - it’s all I can do some days just to survive.

I don’t want this post to be entirely negative. Some aspects of having more time at home have been good - I get to spend more time with my lovely dog, I have learnt new skills and have spent a lot of time doing activities I enjoy, such as crafting, painting, reading etc. However, when people say “well another three weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things” I disagree. For those of us stuck inside, with no purpose but plenty of intense anxiety and pre-existing mental illness for which we are receiving reduced levels of support, three weeks is a very significant period of time.