What a difference 5 years has made…
It has been a long time, I’m sorry about that. The truth is, things have been rather hectic these past few months and a lot has happened since March. I will do my best to summarise but this could be a long entry!
Since the first lockdown here in England (March 2020), my EMDR therapy has been on hold. That has been incredibly hard for me. We had taken the lid off a very big can of worms and not yet completed the work to allow us to put the lid back on - as a result, there have been an awful lot of worms squirming about in my brain over the last 18 months with nowhere to go to talk about them. I feel a bit like I have been forgotten, left in some kind of therapy void. The NHS did eventually catch up with the rest of the world and offered therapy appointments online during the pandemic. However, due to my dissociation, I wasn’t able to access sessions remotely - it just wasn’t safe. Then, sessions started being offered face to face for people who couldn’t use the remote platform but these were done with the psychologist having to wear full PPE (apron, gloves, mask and visor). I couldn’t access these either as that degree of PPE really triggered me. So, I’ve been stuck in a void for what feels like an eternity. About 2 months ago, the Trust relaxed the PPE rules to both parties just having to wear a mask in sessions - at the same time, I learned that the psychologist who I’d been working with was leaving the service. It felt intolerably cruel.
What made things worse was the fact that I have recently been through the worst crisis I have had for several years, and the worst I have been outside of a hospital admission. It began with the anniversary of a traumatic event but the flashbacks to that, and other events, became uncontrollable and I am not afraid to admit that I returned to a less helpful coping strategy, self-injury. Looking back, the time to nip the crisis in the bud was then but instead, I was told by my care-coordinator that due to staff shortages, our appointments would be becoming three-weekly rather than fortnightly. This, combined with the fact that she then had a period of annual leave, really affected me and exacerbated the crisis. I was promised check-in calls with another member of the team whilst she was away but nobody ever rang, my self-injury continued and things went from bad to worse. I had several trips to A&E via ambulance, the police were called out to me and my mood was so low I really struggled to get out of bed each day, let alone fight the constant suicidal thoughts and plans going round and round in my mind. To be told then that my psychologist was leaving just as I could have restarted sessions with her, was, as you can imagine, a huge kick in the teeth.
Thankfully, I was eventually referred to the Crisis Resolution and Home Treatment Team (CRHTT) and they took me on for a period of home treatment. I was desperate to avoid a hospital admission but at the same time, felt the worst I have for years. I am incredibly grateful therefore that the CRHTT came out daily for a considerable period of time before stepping back my care in a planned and jointly agreed way.
What I haven’t mentioned yet, is that all this was going on whilst I was starting a new job!
I have been out of work for the past five years - since I was made redundant for being too mentally ill when I was under Section in hospital. However, for the past year I have been working with a local organisation towards getting back into the employment sector and in May I applied for a role that was being advertised in the very service that I petitioned for. It was a nerve-wracking application and interview process, partly because I haven’t worked (for money at least) for so long and partly because everyone said the job was ‘made for me’ and therefore expected me to get it. I tried not to let that pressure get to me and went into the process with a ‘que sera, sera’ attitude. Obviously I would try my best but if it wasn’t meant to be then the world wouldn’t end. Anyway, as it happened, I was offered the job and am now a Peer Support Worker for the newly established local NHS service for people with Complex Emotional Needs. It is a part-time role so I am confident I will be better able to manage my mental health alongside working but I really didn’t expect to have to test that theory with a crisis so early on!
Despite the real struggles I was experiencing, I managed to continue showing up at work. I have now completed 7 weeks in the role, and have only had 2 days off sick, which is miraculous given how tough things have been. In some ways I think having this new job is what kept me out of hospital - not only did it serve as a distraction and a very real reason why I had to get out of bed, but also, I was desperate not to start the role with an admission. The role of a peer support worker is unique in the NHS as we are the only employees whose lived experience is the key reason we are employed. Whilst that is true, I was very aware of the fact that I didn’t want to underline my ‘madness’ by being unable to work for mental health reasons in my first few weeks. This is a pressure that I intend to explore in a future post but is very real to me.
Thankfully, I am pleased to report that in the last couple of weeks, things have improved hugely and my crisis phase is over. A large contributory factor towards this is the fact that I have been able to set up a return to EMDR with my psychologist before she leaves. We are due to start back in a fortnight’s time and although I am terrified about going back in one sense - because of how hard it’s going to be to reopen old wounds and do that whilst still working - I am also looking forward to the opportunity to finish the work we started so long ago.
It is five years ago this week since I nearly lost my life at my own hands. So much has happened since then, a lot of it very difficult. As this entry shows, things can still be very much up and down and I have by no means learnt to live symptom free from EUPD altogether. However, 5 years ago I was in the process of losing a job for being too mentally ill. Now, I have a job precisely because I am mentally ill and I am doing that job whilst navigating the ever-present rollercoaster of EUPD. Not only that, I am working in mental health and in a role that aims to support people who have had similar experiences to me - something that I wish I had had access to during my own treatment.
What a difference five years has made.
