It's been a while
Firstly huge apologies for not writing here for such a long time. It has been difficult to manage my time effectively and make writing my blog a habit largely because of the intensity of being here. I know I have mentioned that time and again but nothing I can think of compares to a typical day in this sort of environment. Even time when I am not scheduled to be doing anything structured is exhausting. Being around people all day everyday, getting involved in their journeys as well as processing my own and the general day to day gripes of living in a community together all takes its toll. Each weekend I am desperate for a rest, some downtime to just chill out and give my brain a break.
Needless to say, a lot has happened since the day of the BBQ! I’m not even going to try and catch up on everything that’s gone by but start from where I am today. It is 8 weeks before I leave treatment now and things are slowly becoming more real, more scary but also more exciting. Since I came back after Christmas when I had ten days leave (the most time I have spent at home since May), things have taken a different slant for me. I almost feel like in some ways I have outgrown this place. That’s not to say that everything is fine and dandy now, not at all. Just that my outlook has changed somewhat. For the first time in a very long time I have been able to think about the future and actually see one. I’m not kidding myself that it is one full of unicorns and rainbows but there are things I want to do and achieve and I am prepared to allow myself time to get there. Being here brings a sense of ambivalence right now. I know I still need a lot of support in some areas but less so in others and being around people who are still struggling so deeply sometimes feels as if it is holding me back. I don’t mean that in a vindictive way at all, it is just how I honestly feel.
So what has changed? Well, everyone has noticed that I’m a lot less angry now than I was when I came in here. My rage has definitely lessened and I am much more ‘laissez faire’ than in the past. Yes things do still irritate me and wind me up but I am beginning to learn that letting the little things go and leaving everyone else to be the authors of their own destiny is quite liberating. I don’t need to get upset that this person has done x or that another person thinks y, it doesn’t and needn’t matter to me. I have also become better at realising and allowing my other emotions. I have talked about my fears, learned to cry when I am sad and sat with it when I just feel low and desperate. My self harming and suicidal tendencies have dropped massively over the last few months. It shocks me to think about where I was this time last year and how desperately I was behaving every day. However, I am not naive enough to think that these things have gone forever. I liken it much to my historic eating disorder; yes I am in recovery from that but the anorexic part of my brain is still there everyday and I still have to fight it. I feel similar about my self destructive behaviours - they are still there waiting to pounce from the shadows but they do so less often than they used to and every day I ignore them I get stronger as a result. My relationships with people have changed too. I have begun to acknowledge that I do have some worth as a person and that I needn’t be constantly trampled on by people in my life. I have cut ties with some people I used to call friends and have become more honest with those around me. Finding a voice has allowed me to move forward in ways I didn’t think possible.
I am aware that this is sounding all sickly sweet. Like I said, things aren’t a walk in the park now by any means but I think it is important to acknowledge how things are changing, particularly in the time since I last wrote.
Today things are looking fairly quiet in terms of structures. We are meant to have movement therapy but the therapist is off sick so I have nothing on other than the daily community meeting that was held this morning. We were all considering boycotting movement anyway so it is no great loss that she’s not here but it does mess up my routine and I’m not great with unexpected change. My individual therapist has been off sick the last two weeks as well and I have really struggled with that - I sincerely hope she is back tomorrow.
Nothing is ever straight forward here so no doubt something will kick off before the day is out but right now things are ok..!