Final review, first look at the future

Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading for a long time. It is the final review of my treatment here at the therapeutic community where all the therapists, psychiatrist, social worker and nurses sit in a huge meeting and discuss me and my treatment for an hour. I also attend, along with my care coordinator from my home team. It marks the beginning of the ending here, which is massively scary and I am terrified of what people will say, how they will judge whether this place has worked or not, whether I worked hard enough or didn’t engage. I am hopeful people will see just how much I have given my all in the past eight months but it still might not have been enough. I might not be enough. Also, following that meeting, I have my final CPA (Care Programme Approach) meeting where my care following discharge from here will be discussed and decided upon.  I am absolutely terrified about that. I am going to chair the meeting myself and have written a list of questions and requests I want to make but I am SO scared that what I ask for, what I want, what I need, won’t be able to be met. I fear leaving here and going back to no support or else support that is just as inadequate as that which led me to be admitted to the acute ward 18 months ago, as well as on several occasions prior to that. After all, I only ended up here because my Trust didn’t know what else to do with me, how are they suddenly going to know how to help now? I really am terrified that I am going to be abandoned. (One BIG issue for people with EUPD at the best of times!)

I guess only time will tell but right now I am all over the place in terms of emotions. Uncertainty and change are two huge challenges for me and tomorrow brings both at once..!