Anxious and fearful
Today is the final day before my admission to the specialist personality disorder hospital and anxiety doesn't come close to describing what I am feeling right now. I have spent all day trying to fight off the shakes and at the moment my head is spinning from incessant anticipation and whirlwind thoughts.
Earlier this morning I was sitting in the dentist's chair having a filling (oh yes I leave all the good stuff til last!) and could feel my legs visibly shaking - not from the dental work but from the subconscious fear I have of going. Before I left the acute ward we had a Professional's meeting and the people from the PD hospital told me I had to spend 4 weeks at home before I went there...I was outraged but today is exactly 4 weeks and to be honest I now feel settled. I don't want the upheaval of moving back into an intense setting again. Much like I always told myself that if I got into Oxford University after my interviews, I would so much enjoy turning their place down (I didn't get the offer in the end - I was placed 9th and the College only had 8 places!), I now desperately want to phone the unit and tell them I don't need them any more. The thing is, I know it is a lie. Yes, I have managed these 4 weeks without crisis or self harm incident but I have been distracted to the nth degree every minute of every day. I know from past experience that only works for a finite amount of time and I need the input of a specialist placement to teach me how to really live, not just exist.
Also today I finally had my Supra-pubic Catheter removed!! I have had it for the past 18 months due to a spontaneous giving up of my bladder to function properly and have been very self-concious about it. Still, I had pretty much accepted that it was there to stay when the urologists claimed they could do nothing to fix it, even though being told at 32 you would be catheterised for life was a massive blow. Then, one of my consultants referred me to Bristol Urological Institute and I have never looked back. 3 weeks ago I had pioneering surgery to fit a sacral neuro modulation implant in my back, 10 days ago it was switched on and it is working!! I was due a routine catheter change today but as it was all working so well they agreed I could have it removed instead of replaced - I am SO excited!
Objectively things are moving forward massively at the moment but subjectively I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster, on the upward part of the ride before it all comes crashing down at 100mph and leaves you screaming. I guess I am scared of things going well and am just waiting for the fall. What makes it more so is that I have a feeling the next 9 months WILL be a rollercoaster and that things will get worse before they get better.
I am missing Maisie already. My grandparents have her at the moment as my parents are taking me tomorrow so last night I spent the last night in my flat and for the first time in a month she wasn't there to share it with me. I wish I could text my dog!
So, that's that. My next entry will come when I am a patient at the new place. Wish me luck!