Petitions and patience

I debated whether to write this post or not. Firstly because I don’t feel like I really have a lot to say right now and secondly because I am really struggling to connect to people and life in general at the moment. However, I have always said that this blog is to be a reflection of my journey to recovery and that journey isn’t always going to be linear and progressive so here goes.

I have had a fairly quiet week all in all. No talks or training to facilitate nor meetings to attend, it’s just been me and my own issues. That said, I have written and launched a petition to request my local CCG provides a specialist personality disorder service for our county. Over the last 7 days since its launch, it has attracted well over 200 signatures which I am quietly very proud of. It is so reassuring to read what others have written as their reasons for signing - people actually agree that there should be specialist provision and that what we have now is not doing people with personality disorders justice. Not only is that good to hear on a ‘professional’ level but it also gives validation to me on a personal level. It makes me feel far less alone in my battles against the system over the years and supports my beliefs that what I have endured shouldn’t be the norm.

I do recognise that seeing others support my idea has helped boost my self-esteem and it has given me a sense of purpose in putting my resources into the campaign like this. However, it has also become apparent through setting up the petition that whilst I have a lot of drive and motivation to see change and help others, that motivation is far more difficult to find when it comes to applying it to my own personal life.

Things at the moment are tough. I feel like my head is a washing machine with things whirring round on a constant spin cycle. That is exhausting and I am really struggling to make it through the day without taking several naps. I know that if I connect to all of it, I will become completely overwhelmed but despite my best attempts, at the moment I am struggling to connect with anything. Instead I am still numb and things just feel fuzzy.

I know I need to take care of myself whilst this is the case and give myself a chance to process some of the stuff in the washing machine but it is hard balancing that against partaking in normal every day life. I have done everything I needed to over the week in terms of keeping appointments and even doing a couple of social things but the things I would normally be getting done in the in between moments I just can’t find any energy for. I have aims to return to my writing coursework, which I haven’t even had chance to think about for ages but I can’t find the motivation to pick up a pen. I know I need to go running again as that might help calm the spin cycle but I can’t even get as far as opening the cupboard to find my trainers.

I guess I can’t do everything at once and life doesn’t generally fit into nice boxes that we can switch between when we so desire - it is more of a messy ‘grab what you can when you can’ affair. So, I’ll go with that as best I can and hope to get some motivation for personal things along the way. It’s all about patience.

P.s. If anyone would like to sign my petition, please contact me via the email on the subscribe/contact page and I will send you the link.