No day needs to be a write off
The last few days have been hard. I have struggled with motivation to do anything, which culminated in yesterday’s inability to do anything other than sleep. I often find the middle of the day difficult, finding I am more productive in the evenings and I try to plan my day around that. Yesterday, after achieving nothing but taking the dog for a walk all day, late into the evening I decided I would sort out a cupboard I have been meaning to get around to for ages. I did it and it felt good afterwards but somehow I still felt like the day had been a waste.
Of course, it was the day of the Royal Wedding so I doubt much of the population got much done but I can’t even say I watched that with any great interest. I did catch some of the coverage and I have to admit it did make me smile to see Harry and Meghan looking so happy but even that made me feel bad about myself too. William and Harry are my contemporaries, we have grown up together (age wise I mean) and now, there they both are, happily married and settled. On its own, that wouldn’t bother me at all - I’ve never really thought of any of the Royal family as role models - but when you add it to the fact that at the moment all my friends and family of a similar age or even younger than me seem to be getting married and/or having children, it feels like just another kick in the teeth that I’m not normal, not good enough. Everywhere I look it is happening around me and I so desperately want to join in but don’t know how. I feel like I have missed out on the ‘adulting’ course that all these guys must have attended. I couldn’t get the memo because I was too busy fighting to get my life back at all. People tell me that it will all come in time and I want to believe them, I really do but sometimes I lose heart when I constantly see it all around me.
Today looked as if it was going the same way as yesterday until lunchtime. But I made the decision that I was going to make myself do something this afternoon, even if only for a couple of hours. The only person who can pull myself out of this ditch is me after all. It worked. A cup of coffee and a couple of hours later I had passed the time productively, doing some research and writing. Because I had sectioned the afternoon into a manageable portion, I managed to keep focussed and actually felt like I’d achieved something in that time. Afterwards, I met up with a friend and we made the most of the lovely sunny spring weather by taking the dogs for a walk around the local park. It was nice to be able to do it in my t-shirt and not need the wellies and coat that have been the usual walking uniform of the year so far! We even saw the resident swans on the lake with their 4 fluffy baby cygnets, another reminder that life goes on and another year has flashed by since we saw the last ones.
I guess today’s lesson is that there is always the possibility of making each day a little bit better. Some days I feel like everything is written off or a failure because I haven’t done anything worthwhile but not every day has to be full of productivity. Like I have said before, self-care is just as important and some days may just be full of this. Even if it doesn’t feel like self-care has been the focus, just spending some time doing something, anything, even for a few minutes can make the day feel better. So, yesterday’s cupboard sorting was worthwhile and so too will the washing up be that waits for me me tonight!