Keeping the faith
So today I am feeling a little disillusioned and confused. I think I am just having one of those ‘overwhelmed’ phases that pass by every so often but it’s left me feeling really tired and fed up. I have been thinking a lot about the future this week and in typical EUPD fashion, whereas I have felt incredibly positive and energised about what I want to do in the past few weeks, at the moment I feel like it’s all a bad idea and I won’t be able to accomplish any of it. It’s that damn black and white, all or nothing thinking again.
I am trying to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to rush anything by way of career choices just yet, in fact taking things step by step is the best way to go for me to maintain good mental health. Plus, how do I know how things are going to develop, no one can predict the future and no one can do everything all at once anyway. I guess I have just realised that in order to be where I want to be, I’m going to have to put in a lot of hard work and ultimately believe in myself a lot more than I do at the moment. Also, I am going to need to keep an open mind and respond to opportunities as and when they arise. In reality, those are very much intertwined - I do have an open mind towards most things but my anxiety and low self esteem generally stop me seizing opportunities to do something different through fear that it will all go wrong, I will humiliate myself in some way or I will be pushed too far outside of my comfort zone. Building up my self belief will hopefully allow me to take more risks and who knows, maybe open up so new avenues socially or professionally.
I continue to be frustrated by the therapy issue in my treatment and feel like every time I bring it up, I am being told that I need to learn to deal without any. I just can’t accept that though, it is completely unjust. A few weeks ago I spoke to my care coordinator about Broadmoor and the fact that a lot of the patients there are males with personality disorders. I said that I feel on a similar level to them, not in that I am going to engage in criminal activity as a result of my EUPD but regarding the degree of my symptoms. It is just that as a female, I am more likely to turn my behaviours towards myself rather than against others and as a result stay out of the forensic system.
Interestingly, the Cassel Hospital, where I have just been discharged from, is under the same Mental Health Trust as Broadmoor and is an inpatient setting for those with severe personality disorders. The entire patient group was female during almost all of my nine month admission - to some extent could it be that I ended up there as a woman, whereas it could have been a forensic setting if I was male? This is something that I would like to explore further (watch this space) but the point I am trying to make is that if I was severe enough to warrant treatment at the Cassel, how can I not be offered follow up therapy now? No one would discharge someone from Broadmoor Hospital and leave them to ‘get on with it’ in the community so why am I being asked to make do without therapy when it was specifically recommended upon discharge? I realise this is perhaps contentious and I don’t mean to draw any unrealistic comparisons but right now it is how I feel.
I know that I go through stages where I feel down, stressed and overwhelmed and I know it will pass but at the moment it is difficult to hold onto that. Lots of things are getting to me and the more frustrated I get by them, the more other things get me down too.
I apologise for this entry being more negative than previous ones but I thought it was important to show that the journey towards recovery isn’t always smooth. Nevertheless, things are never all bad. And they’re not. I guess in the words of Bon Jovi, I just need to ‘keep the faith’.